Monday, 23 August 2010

Sniffs McKenzie and the August rain

“It is worthy of sorrow.”

Sniffs looked away from the scene in front of him. “Sorrow, honour, aw they things,” he said. “But ah’ll tell ye this for nothin’. Am no going tae greet again until am ready, and when ah greet again, in ah know ah will, it be tears ay healin’ and nuthin else. She widnae want me tae be mopin’ aboot wonderin’ whit am gone tae dae nixt. Ah might no ken much, but ah ken that.”

The Guardian looked again at the freshly filled graves in front of them. “You are a strange race of people and I don’t understand tears,” he said. “Seen from afar you are all so alike, so small, and so weak; but close up there is a strength I would not have imagined.”

Sniffs looked again at the wooden plank at the head of the nearest grave; the burnt-in letters read ‘Wee Shona’. The August rain started again, biting into the blasted earth with a million hammer blows.

“Aye, she wiz strong a’right,” he said turning around. “Stronger’n me, stronger’n you, an am no goin’ tae forget that.”

Sniffs paused for a second before looking at the Guardian. “Lits git back tae work,” he said. “This wisnae mah fight, but it is now.”

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Sniffs McKenzie and the theory of definites.

"I've seen the future y'know," said Sniffs, pulling back slightly as the rank smell of the green fucker, now kneeling in front of him, grew thicker as its fear grew stronger.
"Aye, funny that isn't it? Funny thit you're here in front of me, instead ay skulking aroond wi yer stinkin' mates. Sneaking aroond, killing and daein' whit ye want, 'hinking we're aw too fuckin' scared ay the dark tae stoap ye. Funny thit am the man wi the gun pointed at your fuckin' heid though eh? Or at least your fucking excuse fur a heid."
He shook his own head, still unsure of how this scenario came to be, only sure that it was here and it was now and that there was no one else to do this. No one at all. As fucking usual.
"Ye wid 'uv been better readin' "Trainspottin'" or watchin' "A fucking sense ay freedom" or researching some other piece o' decent contemporary Scottish information, before comin' doon here naw? Comin' here tae bonnie auld Scotland eh?" Sniffs smiled with his lips only. "It might huv gein ye a better idea ay whit we could be like. What did ye expect likes? Feart wee bairns aw shitein' thumsleves cause eh the big bad fuckin' aliens? Ah dinae fuckin' think so."
The green fucker just stayed rock still, facing away from Sniffs. It would have been staring at the floor, if it had eyes.
Sniffs pulled the cocking lever back on the rifle, as the soldier called Whitman had shown him, checked that the safety was off, and aimed it at the ridge on the back of the green fuckers skull.
"Aye. Ah've seen the future yah fuckin' murderin', butcherin', stinkin' piece ay shit. And there is one thing that is definite. In the future we are aw deid."
Sniffs pulled the trigger.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Sniffs McKenzie and the mystery of the quiet lightning

It was dark and cold.

Sniffs wasn’t entirely sure why his feet were bare and covered in mud but he was uncomfortably aware that they were. It wasn’t just his feet that were bare, he realised, he was entirely naked, and the wind blowing over the deserted field in which he stood cut through his skin like a million twisted razor blades.

Panic gripped him, as it does in the worst literary fashion. This sort of thing used to happen when Sniffs was drinking and a return to that particular non-life state of blackness and despair was not something to be considered. Ever.

Where the fuck am I, he thought looking around and trying to piece together the last few hours, what the fuck happened?

The sky above was a twisted maelstrom of greys and blacks, lightning speared between the ribbons of clouds, briefly illuminating the tortured sky and the deserted ground on which Sniffs stood.

Fuck this bollocks, sniff thought, and started to walk forward but could do no more than give out a grunt of effort as he realised his feet were actually not just covered in mud, but were stuck in the mud. More lightning tore overhead as Sniffs, panicked, fell backward and only managed to prevent his spine ripping out of his body by landing on his arse and elbows, his feet still firmly planted in the ground.

It is at times such as this that being a fully paid up member of the human race allows us to let a certain level of cynical cliché into our vocabulary. After groaning for a short while at the agony in his back, legs, and elbows Sniffs decided he had been patient enough and lay back on the ground.

“FUCKING HELL. WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING GOING ON FOR FUCKS SAKE.” He screamed at the sky above, “FUUUUUUUUUCK...”

Sucking in a huge breath of air for his next admonishment of the scene overhead it occurred to Sniffs, now looking directly into the weirdness above, that, apart from his recent screaming, there was no other sound.

No thunder, he thought, so that’s not lightning, and then started to think rather than react.

Anyone who met Sniffs casually generally thought some, if not all, of the following descriptions: semi-literate, schemie, big mouth, coward, scum, boozehound and probably laced with violence habits. This was not wholly true. Anyone who got to know Sniffs better found that yes he was a product of Scottish council schemes and yes he did like to smoke weed; but he was definitely not semi-literate and he was neither a coward nor scum, nor did he drink anymore because drinking for Sniffs made more of those description true.

He would put his hands up to the claim of bigmouth though.

Sniffs was an intelligent, well-read schemie. Moreover, looking at the silent non-lightening tearing the sky apart above, he realised that he was scared shitless.

Friday, 30 July 2010

Sniffs McKenzie and the long arm of the law

There was blood all around.

I've killed him, though Sniffs. I've fucking killed him.

Heart hammering behind his eyes, Sniffs wiped the back of his arm against his damp forehead.

What do I do now? he thought, aghast at the scene before him.

Scanning the immediate area, Sniffs saw that there was no one else around, so he gathered what was left of his wits and walked over to the body.

Better be quick, he thought, reaching out his hands.

“SNIFFS!” The shout from came over his shoulder and almost stopped his heart. “SNIFFS YAH DEAF BASTURD. Thirs two cops at the door looking fur ye.”

Fuck!, thought Sniffs turning around. Just when I killed the fucker.

AH’LL BE RIGHT THERE SHONA.”

Turning back to his computer and the world of Azeroth, Sniffs’ character ‘RadgeHeid the Rogue’ looted the body of the dead Troll overlord Chok’sul and then activated his Hearthstone to return to the inn in Thelsamar, and safety.

Fucking World of Warcraft man, he thought stretching his stiff neck and back. Ye cannie beat it, but it kills yer spine.

With the computer turned off Sniffs walked into the hallway to see two HUGE cops standing at his front door.

“Mr McKenzie.’ Said the largest of the two large policemen, in a fairly large voice. "Can we come in?”

Monday, 19 July 2010

Sniffs McKenzie and the case of the unopened door

‘Lit us in yah basturd.’
‘Naw, fuck off.’
‘Look am fuckin’ choking fur a pint so lit us fuckin in.’
‘Naw, yuv been telt before. Ahm no it liberty tae lit ye in.’
‘Sniffs man. Jist cause you dinae bevvy any mair disnae mean the rest ay us cannie hae a drink.’
Sniffs shook his head and continued talking to the inside of the door. This had been going on for about ten minutes and he was getting well pissed off. Keep an eye on the door, Christine had said, ah need to go hame cause Ella says there is some fucker in a black coat standn' in the back garden. Jules is oan the bar, bit dinae lit anyone in eftir hauf ten. A’right?
That was about an hour ago.
‘Look Johnston, It’s nowt tae dae wi’ anything else apart fae the fact thit Christine left me in charge o’ the pub and telt us tae shut the door at half ten. It’s ten to eleven. Endy story.’
There was no answer this time but Sniffs knew that Johnston was, at best, a sneaky fucker and though not the most subtle of dudes, would try to stoop to his own brand of blatant subterfuge to get in.
‘Johnston, you there?’
When it came, the voice was barely a whisper.
‘Sniffs, lit us in man. Thir's someone at the side o’ the bank watchin' the pub. I jist noticed him. He looks well dodgy.’
Not only was the voice a whisper but there was something else in it. Sniffs knew that he wasn’t particularly familiar with classical English but the words ‘cold’ and ‘dread’ popped into his mind to describe the way the words had been said, but Johnston was a sneaky prick.
Sniffs lent forward slightly and placed both palms of his hands on the chipped paintwork of the pub door.
‘Johnston, look man, go hame. Huv you been smoking that shite weed that's goin' about? It makes ye para...’
‘Sniffs. Alex. Listen.’ There was no hint of ‘cold dread’ in the voice coming through the door. It was all frozen fear. ‘Thir's someone ower the road, and thir lookin right at me man, an he knows I’ve seen him. Thir's something else as well...’ The voice tailed off into silence.
‘Johnston fur fucks sake', Sniff leant in closer to the door. 'I've seen you batter loads of guys, what the fuck are ye shiteing yersel fur? Just go hame...’ Sniffs stopped, pulled his hands quickly from the wooden door, and stepped back so fast his head banged against the wall behind. Sniffs remembered once when he had been hillwalking, and at the top of Ben Vorlich had walked backwards to get a better photograph of the mountains to the north. The heel of his left foot had knocked against a rock and he had stopped to look around. The rock had been on the edge of the south cliff face and Sniffs had looked around and down and then further down, all the way to the rocks about 400 feet below. Only after he had thrown himself forward, away from the precipice, did he have time to marvel at the cold knot of fear that had driven into the pit of his stomach and the adrenalin rush that was trying to remove the top of his head. The walk back down the mountain had been an exercise in terror after that, Sniffs seeing danger in every turn with vertigo crushing his heart.
He felt the same way now. When his hands had been on the door the same cold terror had smashed directly into his heart, his bowels felt as though they were going to gush, spots bloomed in his vision from the adrenalin rush, and his ears started pounding with his heartbeat. With the same panicked fingerwork in which he had grasped onto the sparse greenery of the mountaintop last year, Sniff’s fingers started to claw at the plasterboard on the wall behind him.

There had been a noise outside, something quick, something organic. Not a slither or a slip but a 'schlap' of something wet, like a cold piece of meat falling on a butchers slab.

Now there was nothing.

‘Johnston, You there mate?’

Friday, 9 July 2010

Sniffs McKenzie and the case of the well spoken man

“Excuse me”.
“Excuse me”.
“Eh? Aw right mate, whit is it?”
“I wonder if you tell me where the doctor's surgery is?”
“Aye sure mate, ye need tae turn around an’ go back up the street past the chip shoap on the left. Cairry oan fur aboot 30 meters and ye’ll see the sigh fur it oan the right. Is a new building they jist moved aboot a year ago”
“Oh right I do think I saw that when I was passing, thank you ever so much, I’m a new doctor here.”
“Nae bother doctor, hae a nice whan.”
“Yes, eh, you too, thanks again”.

New doctor, thought Sniffs running across the road to avoid death-by-army truck. Funny, ah wiz reading somehin in the Courier a wee while back aboot a doctor goan missing up in the Breich hills, eftir that daft wee meteor shower aw they cunts fi Edinburgh Uni were getting aw hoat an bothered aboot. Must be hur replacement. Nice doctor she wiz in aw. Soarted mah piles oot nae bother.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Sniffs McKenzie and the case of the missing ‘teenth.

“Mind ah wiz sayin’ thit efter Barry’s pairty thit wee Shona hid telt us thit someone hid lifted her weed? Aye well ah foond oot it wiz that prick Johnston. It wiz wee Billy thit telt us, he wisny grassin or nuthin likes; bit when ye nick somehin fae yer mates burd then ye git whit ye fuckin’ deserve in mah opinion. Anyhow is ah wiz sayin’, ah fired doon tae Johnston’s door likes an ah battered the daft cunt and goat wee Shona’s gear back tae hur fucking quick smart likes.

Twat hid twinty quid in eh’s wallet in aw. Anywhan wantin' a drink?”

Sniffs McKenzie

Welcome to the world of Sniffs McKenzie and a series of bits from Sniff's life. Stories, comments, views on the world in general.

Please be warned that in Sniff's life very colourful and colloquial language is the norm.

So you have been warned.